Election nonsense

I dont mean to get political just know these are my own feelings. Which is a lot. I feel like I need to distance myself from those that have differing views from me. It may not be the right answer but with my mental health, I feel like I have to. This election has brought up so many feelings and emotions for me that its just bubbling under the surface. I have been r@ped and sexually assulted. I can't ethically stand behind someone that has been accused and/or of these things. Plus, I just flat out don't agree with some of his policies. Im not saying she right or the right fit and frankly I dont know enough about her to make that decision. I will try my best to do more research before the election. My problem is family that would vote someone into power that has openly talked shit about how little he cares about women. This has brought up a lot of emotions for me. As someone that has had trauma from being SA'd and someone whose child has been SA'd, this election has been super triggering. Especially knoing my family is supportive of the male. My family was not there for me when I needed it most. Its hit me all over again and it feels like once again theyre supporting a monster instead of their own family. I find it disguting and it hurts deeply. Politics gets involved when your own mom is spreading the hateful and ignorant lies to your own children. With no proof or knowledge of the subject. Not even a simple google search to see if what your spreading has any truth. Im emotionally drained at the moment. I may have to get rid of social media to get through this election. Help! I desperatly need support. Tomorrow is a ketamine appt so hopefully I can process some of this. On another note, I work with police and most of the mare voting for a felon. That makes no sense to me. You're voting for someone youd supervise on Probation.

A failure in a system that fails you

An invisable illness and a society that doesn't believe you is a special hell. People don't believe you and even worse think they can treat you with their toxic positivity. I've heard it my whole life. You're too sensitive. Fuck, I hate that word. Why is it a bad thing that I feel and not that you don't? I feel so beat down all of the time. Today it feels like alot. Im so fucking tired. All of the time. Like benedryl tired. I had an appt with the psych this week. We are reapplying for Sprovato. Im not sure why. Its good I guess, my psych seems to be finally taken an interest. I got it through the manufacturer last year but with the psych office billing $600 an office visit my insurance quickly said no. So, I stopped for awhile. Cant afford it and I had a $6000 bill very easily. I even stopped therapy because It was too expensive. I work for the state and dont make enough, especially with this crazy inflation. $15/ hour. $35 co pays adds up. Right now Im basically living off of my credit card. Which obviouslly isnt great because its my debt to income being the reason I cant qualify for a house. Or make more money. Ive been searching for jobs and houses and its so overwhelmig. Being priced out of rent and ownership. I got my crazy adorable dog as an esa and she has so many health issues right now. SM and seizures. I just oicked up her seizure meds, fuck me $50 a month. I just called the vet today about the pain meds. I feel like her sm has gotten worse. She shakes and itches all the time. I started this May 7. I seem to keep doing that. Starting these posts and taking months to finish it. I qualified for sprovato for free through the manufacterer due to being low income. But how does one actually get in when your insurance won't even pay the office visit? The psych office did offer care credit hahah. or I can pay cash $200 a visit. How does one get the care they need when they cant afford it? It's insane and just may drive you there if you're not already.

Date A

I decided im going to start or attempt to start to blog my dates. You can't make this stuff up. It's what my nightmares are made of. Tonights date wanted me to meet him at his place of work. Ok, I guess I can do that. I grabbed my knife, just in case. I dont know why I havent brought it before. So, I show up at this delapidated looking building and see him poke his head out of a corrugated metal side door. I wave, Im hear, I yell. Like he can really hear me. I walk in and he hands me a water. Hes making pasta and eating then, gave me a tour. The place was massive and the only thing I kept saying in my head was theyd never find my body. Especially behind the secret door behind functioning lockers. He shows me, still eating his pasta. He's aan MMA fighter. I feel like I should mention just to add to my paranioa. Also, previously at work we were talking about crazy dates and how I should watch myself. Yet, here I am sitting on this mans couch. Blissfully unaware. Im a moron. We're talking, he starts kissing me. I stop and say tell me more about you. He says well I grew up here yads, yada, yada and kisses me again. I stop and ask another question. This happens another time and finally I say. I need to get going, i have nails in the morning. He walks me to my car and I don't hear from him again. Im not upset about that.

The physical side of depression

Warning, this may get graphic and personal. You know what really sucks? When you have depression and are going through so much stress that it starts to affect you physically. Honestly, I didn't know it could happen. I have never had it happen until it did. From what I can remember, it started with getting served at work. I'm writing this mostly to remind myself of what I went through so that when she tries to contact me I can remain strong. i got served at work. It was so fucking embarrasing! I still can't believe it. My mom sued me. For grandparents rights. Right after her husband plead guilty to sexual battery of my daughter. She was 10. In her lawsuit she wanted my kids every 3rd weekend (at the place the abuse occurd) and two weeks in the summer. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwhat the fuck? It didn't take long until I couldn't move my head. My neck and shoulders were in so much pain from the stress Im assuming. I've had pneuemonia, and here comes the embarrasing part, an emergency colonoscopy (due to rectal bleeding) that ended up being a fissure. The pain was so horrendous I remember taking shots of tequila to go to the bathroom. Nothing helped and it was the most pain I have ever been in in my life and it lasted about a year. I started this post in April of this year. Why is it so hard to get my words out? I have so much to say. So many words floating through my brain with no other way to escape. I saw my therapist tonight and even though I have so much going on, she kept monopolizing the conversation. How do you tell you therapist that you don't care about their life? Rephrase, its not that I don't care. Its that Im paying a professional to privode a service that Im not getting. Im paying you to listen to me. It's hard enough when you dont have much of a support system but then you can't even pay for a support system.

My ride or die girls

Thinking about how little help I've had, recently I would feel terrible if I didn't mention my girls. Doing things by yourself is hard. Especially when you are required to have help. With my treatment resistant depression, my therapist and I started sprovato, a nasal spray form of ketamine. You go to the office and relax in a chair for 2 hours while a nurse is in the next room "monitoring" you. You cant drive the rest of the day. The first time I tried to Uber with my best friend Stacea, thinking at least I wouldn't be alone, Ubering while under the influence. Also, I didn't have a clue how I would respond to it or even what I was in for. It wasn't a great decision as my psychiatrist office is in a weird area and evidently a dead zone for all ride share. In fact, I once got stranded there. For the most part, my girls took me and picked me up from almost every appt. I am very grateful to them for that. Sometimes, I feel like I ask too much of them. Generally speaking I don't like to ask anyone for help. These pictures are from 08/2021 when we went to pick up my puppy, Poppy who is my emotional support animal. On the way home we decided to have a photography session.

Suffer in Silence

It was a busy morning. I did nails then hopped onto my NAMI support group. I really enjoy my group. One place you can feel semi normal. People don't know how to deal with people like me. They're polite enough to ask how you are but don't have the capability of knowing what its like to not be able to "think happy thoughts". I can try but it inevitably leads to a negative thought. The term "fight or flight" is what comes to mind when I think about what I've gotten from my PTSD, my medication resistant depression or hell, even my anxiety. Always in my head. Always thinking of the worst possible outcome, no matter how unlikely the scenario is. No wonder I'm so fucking tired all of the time, I'm running marathons in my head all day. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it seems to have this week. A text from my dad. I just have no idea how to respoond. And my mother. Why? Just, fucking why? After all of these years. Shes done terrible things over the years. These people don't know me. They don't know my fucking struggle or how much I've needed, literally the tinest scrap of concern. Of human decency, let alone familial support. I've needed love. I've died over the years. Losing every little piece of myself.

My mental health journey

Its been a long struggle. It's beem a long time since posting. Ive checked myself into the hospital once. Been on numerous camping trips and vacations but it doesn't change your mental health. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with generalized anxiety. I have PTSD stemming from my family and their behavior. I have become medication resistant. Anthony Bourdain said it best when he said "I've never met anyone else who wanted to die as much as me". I've felt that and unless you've been in that dark hole, you should never judge. I started this a couple weeks ago and since then had a couple of setbacks. I get so down and I don't know how to scrape my way back sometimes.I am medication resistant. What do you do when nothing works? When you mostly see no value in it. It's terrible and no one would want to live this way if you could possibly help it. Yes, I've tried everything. I've been on my meds since I was 14. I've always sought therapy and for the past year I've been seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, volunteering, exercising, Pro-social activities with prople from work. My world is grey. I can't remember a time of true happiness but if I talk about it, it's automatically me being negative. Honestly, I've lost so many people in my life due to it. Or so I think. People cant handle me. Hell, even I can't handle me, whch is why I mostly want to die. I've always had suicide ideation. No, I don't have a plan and even if I did, I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it. I saw something that said something like why do we constantly deny mental health but mourne suicide? Fuck, I wish I knew. All I can say is from personal experience, people don't care. They want to see you in the hospital but not when you're home. They'll (possibly) come to your funeral but not bother to see you any other time. It's pretty disgusting. I always hold on too long. To friends, guys, family. I've always craved close relationships. The one with my dad hurts the most. I don't even know why, it's not like I ever saw him growing up. He was always drunk, somewhere with a new girl. I guess I hoped once he stopped drinking that he'd want to be family. he's a dry drunk. No alcohol, same shitty selfish personality. I don't think I've ever asked for much. Mostly love. I guess thats too much to ask for some people. What's worse is my daughter already doesn't want him in her life either. He's failed both of us. Thats what hurts. He only has two kids. I guess thats too many. Sounds like a classic case of a narccisstic man refusing to wear a condom or raise his kids but that's just my opinion. I've been trying to make newer memories. I have fun and do what people who like to have fun do. It brings me temporary relief. I just can't find happiness.