Some messages are just meant to be sent

Oopsie, I did it...I didn't mean to. I hit that send button. It must've been meant to happen. It's been brewing for quite some time. I'm currently detoxing after my psych deying my meds because it's been 3 months since our last med management appointment. No notice, no call. Just denied. I have an appt in the morning to hopfully clear some things up. It feels unethical for a psych to deny meds when you've seen him consistently for a year. Im getting off topic. A lot of this is build-up from everything. I have covid. Im detoxing. Im exhausted of life. I've been working hard at my mental health this year. At one point I was getting ketamine twice a week for my medication resistant depression, going to therapy once a week, volunteering once a week as well as kickball,boxing, running, anything to get out of my head. Nothing works. Including now. Maybe, this is why I've just been so done. I have no one in my life. Im completely alone. My dad is a dry drunk and has the emotional availablitly of a turnip. You know the type. A half-hearted happy birthday text, if even one at all. I always wanted to be a daddy's girl. Probably because he never paid me much attention. Til this day, theres nothing I would love more than to have my dad even think of me. I think it's why im such a peaple pleaser. I just want someone, anyone to like me. The sad reality is, I know Im a good person. I have the hugest heart. I would do anything for most anyone and usually at the detriment of my own health. I constantly under-sell myself. The good news is that I've learned a lot. Ive learned that people don't care. They'll offer help but only if it's what they picture. They don't want to help unless it fits their mold of helping. People want to visit you when you are checked into a mental health facility, but not when you're out. They'll say call or text if you need anything but all of the sudden when you need something you get radio silence. I've been conditioned to not ask for help. For anything. From my son that works in IT and could'nt help me find a computer. Even though I was going to college and mine broke. Like my dad who has more money than most but wouldn't give you $5 if you needed milk. To my absent family like the grandparents, that dropped us like a brick and chose quiet over doing the right thing and supporting a victim, even not sending christmas or birthday cards. and my mom.What even is loyalty anymore. Iv'e learned fmaily is nothing. Theryre not htere for you, even if you took your last breath to save someone, they wouldnt go to 7-11 to get you a slurpee if you're sick. IM a shell of a person. I got a puppy to somehow fill this empty sould. Shes the cutest thing ever but can you fill something thats never been touched by kindness? Maybe its the puppy blues. It's hard. Im tired of it being so hard. Do you know why people choose to die? Its not selfish. They literally think the world would be better without them in it. We think were doing people a favor. We drag people down with our negativity as they probably see it. Its not negative thoughif more bad than good happen to you. When do the tables turn? Is it possible to be happy when your mind is always dragging you down? When no one cares, including your family? Thats the weight we hold in our minds. IM trying. Im trying so hard. I see therapy and prescriptions. Im doing everything by the book. Yet , theres my insurance that denies my ketamine even if its a life saving measure. They even stopped paying for it even when I got the medication for free through the manufaturer saying its not an approved visit as well as charging me a ton for my psych stay. Mental health is not supported. To my psych that denied what medication I was using without notice to not explaining anything to me about ketmine like setiing intentions. I never see him but my ketamine appts hes making 500+ for two hours of watching me sleep. Thats with my free prescription! IM all over the place, I get it. Its just the ramblings of an unhealthy mind in despair. I just wanted to word vomit to get it out.