Suffer in Silence

It was a busy morning. I did nails then hopped onto my NAMI support group. I really enjoy my group. One place you can feel semi normal. People don't know how to deal with people like me. They're polite enough to ask how you are but don't have the capability of knowing what its like to not be able to "think happy thoughts". I can try but it inevitably leads to a negative thought. The term "fight or flight" is what comes to mind when I think about what I've gotten from my PTSD, my medication resistant depression or hell, even my anxiety. Always in my head. Always thinking of the worst possible outcome, no matter how unlikely the scenario is. No wonder I'm so fucking tired all of the time, I'm running marathons in my head all day. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it seems to have this week. A text from my dad. I just have no idea how to respoond. And my mother. Why? Just, fucking why? After all of these years. Shes done terrible things over the years. These people don't know me. They don't know my fucking struggle or how much I've needed, literally the tinest scrap of concern. Of human decency, let alone familial support. I've needed love. I've died over the years. Losing every little piece of myself.

My mental health journey

Its been a long struggle. It's beem a long time since posting. Ive checked myself into the hospital once. Been on numerous camping trips and vacations but it doesn't change your mental health. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with generalized anxiety. I have PTSD stemming from my family and their behavior. I have become medication resistant. Anthony Bourdain said it best when he said "I've never met anyone else who wanted to die as much as me". I've felt that and unless you've been in that dark hole, you should never judge. I started this a couple weeks ago and since then had a couple of setbacks. I get so down and I don't know how to scrape my way back sometimes.I am medication resistant. What do you do when nothing works? When you mostly see no value in it. It's terrible and no one would want to live this way if you could possibly help it. Yes, I've tried everything. I've been on my meds since I was 14. I've always sought therapy and for the past year I've been seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, volunteering, exercising, Pro-social activities with prople from work. My world is grey. I can't remember a time of true happiness but if I talk about it, it's automatically me being negative. Honestly, I've lost so many people in my life due to it. Or so I think. People cant handle me. Hell, even I can't handle me, whch is why I mostly want to die. I've always had suicide ideation. No, I don't have a plan and even if I did, I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it. I saw something that said something like why do we constantly deny mental health but mourne suicide? Fuck, I wish I knew. All I can say is from personal experience, people don't care. They want to see you in the hospital but not when you're home. They'll (possibly) come to your funeral but not bother to see you any other time. It's pretty disgusting. I always hold on too long. To friends, guys, family. I've always craved close relationships. The one with my dad hurts the most. I don't even know why, it's not like I ever saw him growing up. He was always drunk, somewhere with a new girl. I guess I hoped once he stopped drinking that he'd want to be family. he's a dry drunk. No alcohol, same shitty selfish personality. I don't think I've ever asked for much. Mostly love. I guess thats too much to ask for some people. What's worse is my daughter already doesn't want him in her life either. He's failed both of us. Thats what hurts. He only has two kids. I guess thats too many. Sounds like a classic case of a narccisstic man refusing to wear a condom or raise his kids but that's just my opinion. I've been trying to make newer memories. I have fun and do what people who like to have fun do. It brings me temporary relief. I just can't find happiness.