The physical side of depression

Warning, this may get graphic and personal. You know what really sucks? When you have depression and are going through so much stress that it starts to affect you physically. Honestly, I didn't know it could happen. I have never had it happen until it did. From what I can remember, it started with getting served at work. I'm writing this mostly to remind myself of what I went through so that when she tries to contact me I can remain strong. i got served at work. It was so fucking embarrasing! I still can't believe it. My mom sued me. For grandparents rights. Right after her husband plead guilty to sexual battery of my daughter. She was 10. In her lawsuit she wanted my kids every 3rd weekend (at the place the abuse occurd) and two weeks in the summer. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwhat the fuck? It didn't take long until I couldn't move my head. My neck and shoulders were in so much pain from the stress Im assuming. I've had pneuemonia, and here comes the embarrasing part, an emergency colonoscopy (due to rectal bleeding) that ended up being a fissure. The pain was so horrendous I remember taking shots of tequila to go to the bathroom. Nothing helped and it was the most pain I have ever been in in my life and it lasted about a year. I started this post in April of this year. Why is it so hard to get my words out? I have so much to say. So many words floating through my brain with no other way to escape. I saw my therapist tonight and even though I have so much going on, she kept monopolizing the conversation. How do you tell you therapist that you don't care about their life? Rephrase, its not that I don't care. Its that Im paying a professional to privode a service that Im not getting. Im paying you to listen to me. It's hard enough when you dont have much of a support system but then you can't even pay for a support system.

My ride or die girls

Thinking about how little help I've had, recently I would feel terrible if I didn't mention my girls. Doing things by yourself is hard. Especially when you are required to have help. With my treatment resistant depression, my therapist and I started sprovato, a nasal spray form of ketamine. You go to the office and relax in a chair for 2 hours while a nurse is in the next room "monitoring" you. You cant drive the rest of the day. The first time I tried to Uber with my best friend Stacea, thinking at least I wouldn't be alone, Ubering while under the influence. Also, I didn't have a clue how I would respond to it or even what I was in for. It wasn't a great decision as my psychiatrist office is in a weird area and evidently a dead zone for all ride share. In fact, I once got stranded there. For the most part, my girls took me and picked me up from almost every appt. I am very grateful to them for that. Sometimes, I feel like I ask too much of them. Generally speaking I don't like to ask anyone for help. These pictures are from 08/2021 when we went to pick up my puppy, Poppy who is my emotional support animal. On the way home we decided to have a photography session.

Suffer in Silence

It was a busy morning. I did nails then hopped onto my NAMI support group. I really enjoy my group. One place you can feel semi normal. People don't know how to deal with people like me. They're polite enough to ask how you are but don't have the capability of knowing what its like to not be able to "think happy thoughts". I can try but it inevitably leads to a negative thought. The term "fight or flight" is what comes to mind when I think about what I've gotten from my PTSD, my medication resistant depression or hell, even my anxiety. Always in my head. Always thinking of the worst possible outcome, no matter how unlikely the scenario is. No wonder I'm so fucking tired all of the time, I'm running marathons in my head all day. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it seems to have this week. A text from my dad. I just have no idea how to respoond. And my mother. Why? Just, fucking why? After all of these years. Shes done terrible things over the years. These people don't know me. They don't know my fucking struggle or how much I've needed, literally the tinest scrap of concern. Of human decency, let alone familial support. I've needed love. I've died over the years. Losing every little piece of myself.

My mental health journey

Its been a long struggle. It's beem a long time since posting. Ive checked myself into the hospital once. Been on numerous camping trips and vacations but it doesn't change your mental health. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with generalized anxiety. I have PTSD stemming from my family and their behavior. I have become medication resistant. Anthony Bourdain said it best when he said "I've never met anyone else who wanted to die as much as me". I've felt that and unless you've been in that dark hole, you should never judge. I started this a couple weeks ago and since then had a couple of setbacks. I get so down and I don't know how to scrape my way back sometimes.I am medication resistant. What do you do when nothing works? When you mostly see no value in it. It's terrible and no one would want to live this way if you could possibly help it. Yes, I've tried everything. I've been on my meds since I was 14. I've always sought therapy and for the past year I've been seeing a psychiatrist, therapist, volunteering, exercising, Pro-social activities with prople from work. My world is grey. I can't remember a time of true happiness but if I talk about it, it's automatically me being negative. Honestly, I've lost so many people in my life due to it. Or so I think. People cant handle me. Hell, even I can't handle me, whch is why I mostly want to die. I've always had suicide ideation. No, I don't have a plan and even if I did, I don't think I could ever bring myself to do it. I saw something that said something like why do we constantly deny mental health but mourne suicide? Fuck, I wish I knew. All I can say is from personal experience, people don't care. They want to see you in the hospital but not when you're home. They'll (possibly) come to your funeral but not bother to see you any other time. It's pretty disgusting. I always hold on too long. To friends, guys, family. I've always craved close relationships. The one with my dad hurts the most. I don't even know why, it's not like I ever saw him growing up. He was always drunk, somewhere with a new girl. I guess I hoped once he stopped drinking that he'd want to be family. he's a dry drunk. No alcohol, same shitty selfish personality. I don't think I've ever asked for much. Mostly love. I guess thats too much to ask for some people. What's worse is my daughter already doesn't want him in her life either. He's failed both of us. Thats what hurts. He only has two kids. I guess thats too many. Sounds like a classic case of a narccisstic man refusing to wear a condom or raise his kids but that's just my opinion. I've been trying to make newer memories. I have fun and do what people who like to have fun do. It brings me temporary relief. I just can't find happiness.

Some messages are just meant to be sent

Oopsie, I did it...I didn't mean to. I hit that send button. It must've been meant to happen. It's been brewing for quite some time. I'm currently detoxing after my psych deying my meds because it's been 3 months since our last med management appointment. No notice, no call. Just denied. I have an appt in the morning to hopfully clear some things up. It feels unethical for a psych to deny meds when you've seen him consistently for a year. Im getting off topic. A lot of this is build-up from everything. I have covid. Im detoxing. Im exhausted of life. I've been working hard at my mental health this year. At one point I was getting ketamine twice a week for my medication resistant depression, going to therapy once a week, volunteering once a week as well as kickball,boxing, running, anything to get out of my head. Nothing works. Including now. Maybe, this is why I've just been so done. I have no one in my life. Im completely alone. My dad is a dry drunk and has the emotional availablitly of a turnip. You know the type. A half-hearted happy birthday text, if even one at all. I always wanted to be a daddy's girl. Probably because he never paid me much attention. Til this day, theres nothing I would love more than to have my dad even think of me. I think it's why im such a peaple pleaser. I just want someone, anyone to like me. The sad reality is, I know Im a good person. I have the hugest heart. I would do anything for most anyone and usually at the detriment of my own health. I constantly under-sell myself. The good news is that I've learned a lot. Ive learned that people don't care. They'll offer help but only if it's what they picture. They don't want to help unless it fits their mold of helping. People want to visit you when you are checked into a mental health facility, but not when you're out. They'll say call or text if you need anything but all of the sudden when you need something you get radio silence. I've been conditioned to not ask for help. For anything. From my son that works in IT and could'nt help me find a computer. Even though I was going to college and mine broke. Like my dad who has more money than most but wouldn't give you $5 if you needed milk. To my absent family like the grandparents, that dropped us like a brick and chose quiet over doing the right thing and supporting a victim, even not sending christmas or birthday cards. and my mom.What even is loyalty anymore. Iv'e learned fmaily is nothing. Theryre not htere for you, even if you took your last breath to save someone, they wouldnt go to 7-11 to get you a slurpee if you're sick. IM a shell of a person. I got a puppy to somehow fill this empty sould. Shes the cutest thing ever but can you fill something thats never been touched by kindness? Maybe its the puppy blues. It's hard. Im tired of it being so hard. Do you know why people choose to die? Its not selfish. They literally think the world would be better without them in it. We think were doing people a favor. We drag people down with our negativity as they probably see it. Its not negative thoughif more bad than good happen to you. When do the tables turn? Is it possible to be happy when your mind is always dragging you down? When no one cares, including your family? Thats the weight we hold in our minds. IM trying. Im trying so hard. I see therapy and prescriptions. Im doing everything by the book. Yet , theres my insurance that denies my ketamine even if its a life saving measure. They even stopped paying for it even when I got the medication for free through the manufaturer saying its not an approved visit as well as charging me a ton for my psych stay. Mental health is not supported. To my psych that denied what medication I was using without notice to not explaining anything to me about ketmine like setiing intentions. I never see him but my ketamine appts hes making 500+ for two hours of watching me sleep. Thats with my free prescription! IM all over the place, I get it. Its just the ramblings of an unhealthy mind in despair. I just wanted to word vomit to get it out.

Our trip to pick up my ESA

We made a little trip out to Vernal, UT to pick up my little girl. After having ESA paperwork from a therapist, it's been a long time coming. Even though I have the paperwork, my landlord has repeatedly denied me and told me to move if I don't like it. We'll see how this plays out.