Election nonsense

I dont mean to get political just know these are my own feelings. Which is a lot. I feel like I need to distance myself from those that have differing views from me. It may not be the right answer but with my mental health, I feel like I have to. This election has brought up so many feelings and emotions for me that its just bubbling under the surface. I have been r@ped and sexually assulted. I can't ethically stand behind someone that has been accused and/or of these things. Plus, I just flat out don't agree with some of his policies. Im not saying she right or the right fit and frankly I dont know enough about her to make that decision. I will try my best to do more research before the election. My problem is family that would vote someone into power that has openly talked shit about how little he cares about women. This has brought up a lot of emotions for me. As someone that has had trauma from being SA'd and someone whose child has been SA'd, this election has been super triggering. Especially knoing my family is supportive of the male. My family was not there for me when I needed it most. Its hit me all over again and it feels like once again theyre supporting a monster instead of their own family. I find it disguting and it hurts deeply. Politics gets involved when your own mom is spreading the hateful and ignorant lies to your own children. With no proof or knowledge of the subject. Not even a simple google search to see if what your spreading has any truth. Im emotionally drained at the moment. I may have to get rid of social media to get through this election. Help! I desperatly need support. Tomorrow is a ketamine appt so hopefully I can process some of this. On another note, I work with police and most of the mare voting for a felon. That makes no sense to me. You're voting for someone youd supervise on Probation.

A failure in a system that fails you

An invisable illness and a society that doesn't believe you is a special hell. People don't believe you and even worse think they can treat you with their toxic positivity. I've heard it my whole life. You're too sensitive. Fuck, I hate that word. Why is it a bad thing that I feel and not that you don't? I feel so beat down all of the time. Today it feels like alot. Im so fucking tired. All of the time. Like benedryl tired. I had an appt with the psych this week. We are reapplying for Sprovato. Im not sure why. Its good I guess, my psych seems to be finally taken an interest. I got it through the manufacturer last year but with the psych office billing $600 an office visit my insurance quickly said no. So, I stopped for awhile. Cant afford it and I had a $6000 bill very easily. I even stopped therapy because It was too expensive. I work for the state and dont make enough, especially with this crazy inflation. $15/ hour. $35 co pays adds up. Right now Im basically living off of my credit card. Which obviouslly isnt great because its my debt to income being the reason I cant qualify for a house. Or make more money. Ive been searching for jobs and houses and its so overwhelmig. Being priced out of rent and ownership. I got my crazy adorable dog as an esa and she has so many health issues right now. SM and seizures. I just oicked up her seizure meds, fuck me $50 a month. I just called the vet today about the pain meds. I feel like her sm has gotten worse. She shakes and itches all the time. I started this May 7. I seem to keep doing that. Starting these posts and taking months to finish it. I qualified for sprovato for free through the manufacterer due to being low income. But how does one actually get in when your insurance won't even pay the office visit? The psych office did offer care credit hahah. or I can pay cash $200 a visit. How does one get the care they need when they cant afford it? It's insane and just may drive you there if you're not already.

Date A

I decided im going to start or attempt to start to blog my dates. You can't make this stuff up. It's what my nightmares are made of. Tonights date wanted me to meet him at his place of work. Ok, I guess I can do that. I grabbed my knife, just in case. I dont know why I havent brought it before. So, I show up at this delapidated looking building and see him poke his head out of a corrugated metal side door. I wave, Im hear, I yell. Like he can really hear me. I walk in and he hands me a water. Hes making pasta and eating then, gave me a tour. The place was massive and the only thing I kept saying in my head was theyd never find my body. Especially behind the secret door behind functioning lockers. He shows me, still eating his pasta. He's aan MMA fighter. I feel like I should mention just to add to my paranioa. Also, previously at work we were talking about crazy dates and how I should watch myself. Yet, here I am sitting on this mans couch. Blissfully unaware. Im a moron. We're talking, he starts kissing me. I stop and say tell me more about you. He says well I grew up here yads, yada, yada and kisses me again. I stop and ask another question. This happens another time and finally I say. I need to get going, i have nails in the morning. He walks me to my car and I don't hear from him again. Im not upset about that.